Your head of sales isn’t happy and wants to meet at 3, your 16 year old said last night she wants to spend the summer in Asia alone, your largest customer just sent an ominously vague e-mail demanding a call immediately. Yikes!!
Conversations like these can be even tougher than a keynote in front of 20,000 people. But strong interpersonal communication skills help your organization far more than charisma on the keynote stage. According to this 2009 study, for example, organizations capable of crucial conversations respond five times faster to financial downturns – and make adjustments far more intelligently.
So, what’s a crucial conversation and how do you learn to have a good one? Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler, the authors of Crucial Conversations, tell us.
A crucial conversation is one in which opinions vary, stakes are high, and there are strong emotions. Situations like this trigger our adrenal response, sending our emotions flying and our hearts racing. And these conversations are often surprises, so we’re under pressure to navigate them without preparation. Double yikes!!
Here’s the Crucial Conversations method for great outcomes in these powerful conversations:
- Ignore your impulses. Think. What do you really want – for yourself, for others, for the organization? When you engage your brain to answer this question, you force your body and your emotions to take a pause. Then ask – what do you really not want? And, would it be possible to achieve both things?
- Create safety (and notice when it’s absent). Start by finding a mutual purpose, which telegraphs mutual respect. When you realize you’ve stepped out of mutual purpose and into your own agenda, apologize and start over, returning to your mutual purpose or creating a new one.
- Put your own stories in their place. Everything you think about what someone else says and does is your interpretation. Recognize your feelings and your interpretations. Put them aside and look for facts. If the facts don’t support your bias, set aside your story and open your mind.
- When you have to tackle a challenging topic, start by sharing your facts (these are the least controversial); then share your interpretation of the facts you see. Ask the other person to do the same. Then you can start testing assumptions to find agreement. Yes, this takes longer. But it builds trust rather than tearing it down.
- Listening is a vital activity in any successful conversation. Be sincere, curious and patient. If you are faking it, that will be obvious. So don’t. After you’ve listened well, you can find what you agree on, create a mutual purpose and build from there.
A great communicator understands that every form of communication is a challenge in its own way. Successful crucial conversations require a great deal of emotional intelligence and personal mastery. But all the work is worth it. Why? Because, like I say every week: Nothing will serve you and your vision better than developing exceptional communication skills.
